i'm always a little conflicted on here... of how personal to be or not. i think that being balls to the wall transparent + vulnerable encourages people, puts a spirit with a name, makes them trust you... i love the blogs most of all that are the most personal. but i'm not a terrible public person. i like to describe myself as an introvert with excellent extrovert skills. it doesn't really come easy to me to be terribly personal in a public arena. i checked my site + blog stats today. it's not something i do very often. it's been months in fact. i was sort of stunned to learn that my site traffic has spiked over 400% in the last 4 months. + my blog has received nearly 10,000 different visitors sinced i launched a new one in january. oy the pressure... suddenly i realized that i have an audience. that there's all these faceless people out there checking this little thing to see what i've posted, created, photographed, written. thrilling, terrifying, dizzying, scary. it's sort of scary to write to a faceless nameless audience. but maybe, all the more easy too.
i've been thinking a little bit lately about who we wanted to be + what we wanted to do before we became who we are + what we do. how many people do you know that majored in such + such... + are now doing something completely different. i've been amused lately by the cyclical irony of life. when i was in high school i really wanted to move to nyc when i graduated, + study journalism at NYU. it's all i thought about from about 15-17. because of the nomadic nature of my childhood, i was held back a year in grade school to repeat it. for one reason or another all through my developmental years, this caused me great consternation. i always felt like i was a year behind. a year older than everyone else in my grade. i felt it very necessary to tell people when they asked, that "i'm in 6th grade, but i'm supposed to be in 7th.) long story short, through some luck, + pluck, determination, + a grand little old lady tutor named mrs. hammond i combined my sophomore + junior years of high school into one, so that i could finally "catch up" + graduate when i was "supposed to". i was in such a hurry... to get on with my life. at 18 years old, while in switzerland, i fell madly in love with a boy the same age as i. we married, too young, + it all tragically ended 5 years later. + now ten years later, i'm still in nyc, right where i wanted to be all those years ago. but ten years after i had originally intended to be here. i often wonder where i'd be today if i hadn't combined those two years of high school into one. i'd have graduated a year later, wouldn't have met said boy, perhaps wouldn't have married at 3 days past 20, + might have wound up here ten years sooner... + perhaps even have been long gone by now, for that matter. excepting said boy, i don't think i would have wound up in seattle... where i spent 8 years perfecting my craft, waiting tables on a whole lot of people, coming into my own, + having made some friendships that will last the entirety of my days i'm sure. so sometimes i wonder where i'd be today if it weren't for that choice at 16 years old. + i find it a little ironic that i'm actually in the same physical location i sorta always felt the need to be anyways. in my tender teens i really wanted to be a writer. something i still sorta want to be. i never really intended on being a wedding photographer. i'd be curious to know who does. but there's moments lately that i've been really overwhelmed by the beauty of this career. it's really an honor to be chosen to document someone's most important day. to do something that i honestly love, + actually get paid for. to make my own hours + be my own boss + be able to work from anywhere on earth... that's practically priceless. i'm still in new york, + i'm still telling a story... + i can honestly say i don't regret a single step of the journey that's gotten me to this place + to this moment. if i ever do get married again... these are going to be my vows :
my love, do not steal, lie or cheat
but if you must steal, steal my heart
if you must lie
lie with me
+ if you must cheat
peacing out from my lovely brooklyn pad,